In this Pursuit
In this pursuit of a thing I call a life in Japan, I’ve overlooked a few things. Existing isn’t enough. Living day-by-day isn’t enough. Maybe it was the recent abundance of so many foreigners in my neck of the woods, but I’ve come to realize I’m more alone in this country than I care to admit. I go out, I have fun, I talk to people, but I don’t really have anyone, friend or otherwise, who’s reliable. I don’t really see anyone here I can trust, can call at the spur of the moment, and enjoy being with. And I’ve realized one reason why this may be is rather disturbing.
Am I the anomaly in this world? Someone who chooses not to take advantage of someone when she’s drunk, who doesn’t want to drink himself into a stupor? Someone who would rather do something more meaningful than search for pot or get trashed at nightclubs every day? I don’t want to be socially awkward, but I feel nothing when I’m out on the town in Hiroshima. I have no joy in filling myself with sake. I don’t get drunk, and I don’t do drugs. But am I the only one? Am I the outcast, the anomaly in this world, the one who chooses not to conform?
That’s what it’s all come down to as of late. I feel like this is what people do with their lives, and I’m the one not blending. May be true, may not be true, but that’s just how I’ve seen it. I was totally alone in Alaska because I didn’t associate myself with those kinds of people, and, subconsciously or not, I find the same thing is happening in the land of the rising sun.
I know it sounds cliché, but this all comes down to a girl. Well, a lack of a girl. Not even really a girl, just someone who would care. Who’d be willing to care about me as much as I could care about her. I’ve had that, I’ve lost that, and I’ve moved on… to the same situation all over again.
It’s not enough that you speak English. It’s not enough that we live in the same area. You don’t have my interests at heart, and we aren’t compatible. Language isn’t enough – I know it encourages you to make friends outside your usual social barriers, but it just isn’t working for me. I haven’t found a matching soul or someone with the same outlook as me since I arrived. With the exception of my brother visiting, I haven’t had anything other than superficial dialogue in four months.
Toss all my gaijin social preceptions out the window – English isn’t enough.
Meaningless sex is by definition – meaningless. Worse than meaningless.
It’s less important to have many friends and more important to have real ones.
Your social standards are muscles – use them or lose them forever.
These things are true to me, but lately, I feel they mean nothing to anyone else.
You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you
You’re nobody ’til somebody cares.
You may be king, you may possess the world and it’s gold,
But gold won’t bring you happiness when you’re growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You’re nobody ’til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.
Think about it.