392247478 D7d1e49317 O

Why I’m Glad I’m not Famous

…or really, don’t have any desire to be.

What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. Happiest day of my life. Quick, I’d better do the invites and bake a cake. Must have a press tent, it’s a wedding. You know, I must see pictures of myself with other people I’m in a programme with. Oh, now I’m pregnant, maybe we should televise the birth. Get Ruby Wax to present it, maybe it’ll make jimmy Carr’s 100 Greatest Caesareans. I’m not having a go at you, I’m sick of these celebrities living their life out in the open all the time…

Why would you do that? It’s like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab, they call their publicists before they call a taxi, then they come out and do their second autobiography, Love Me Or I’ll Kill Myself. Kill yourself, then. The papers lap it up. They follow us round and that makes people think we’re important and that makes us think we’re important. If they stopped doing that, people wouldn’t take to the streets going, ‘Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple.’ They wouldn’t care, they’d get on with something else. They’d get on with their lives. You open a paper, see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car and the headline is, Cover Up Lindsay, We Can See Your Knickers. Of course you can see them! Your photographer’s lying in the road with his camera up her dress. You’re literally the gutter press. And f&%! you, the makers of this show as well, you can’t wash your hands of this, you can’t keep going, ‘Oh, it’s exploitation but it’s what the public want.’ No. The Victorian freak show never went away, now it’s called Big Brother or X Factor. Where the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. And f&$# you for watching this at home.

Shame on you and shame on me…

I’m the worst of all cos I’m one of these people that goes, ‘Oh, I’m an entertainer, it’s in my blood.’ Yeah, it’s in my blood because a real job is too hard. I’d love to have been a doctor. Too hard, didn’t want to put the work in. I’d love to be a war hero but I’m too scared. So I go, ‘Oh, it’s what I do,’ and I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino’s cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said I’ll never be happy because I’ll never be famous enough, and they were right.

From the show "Extras" on BBC